What Matters? Doing What Is Best For Kids or Maintaining Control?

Looking through ASCD Smartbrief recently, I saw the headline “Exercise balls replace students’ chairs in Ind. Classroom.” It looked interesting so I clicked the link and was brought to “Fisher Kids Swap Chairs for Exercise Balls.” 

The article discusses how a 4^th grade teacher is planning to replace student chairs with exercise balls, a decision based on sound research: “A study at the Mayo Clinic supports chairless classrooms, saying that exercise balls improve students' posture and muscle strength. Students also can burn off excess energy. And their concentration may improve.” Mayo Clinic. Well-respected. Impressive. Plus the teacher, Angelika Thompson, did her own action research. After experimenting with exercise balls last year, she reported that 70% of her students increased their core muscle strength.

“OK,” I thought to myself. “This is good. An innovative teacher implementing strategies supported by research that will increase her students’ strength while helping them concentrate.” I should have stopped reading when things were going well, but fool that I am, I plowed ahead and got to this line:

“But sitting on the exercise balls is a privilege. If students make poor choices or don't behave in class, they must sit in a chair the rest of the day.”

What??? Don’t exercise balls improved posture and muscle strength and maybe help students concentrate? How in the world can this be a “privilege”? Think about this for a minute. A kid makes a “poor choice” (Note: Code for “does something the adult in charge doesn’t like.”) So how do we handle it? By saying, “You don’t deserve the opportunity to improve your posture and muscle strength. You have forfeited the right to improve your concentration!”

This is today’s world of education, where “privileges” must be earned and where we are infinitely more interested in exercising control than in doing what research shows is best for kids. In that spirit, let me offer a couple of additional strategies to ensure kids remember who is in charge and remind them that “privileges” must be earned:

• Take the case of a kid with a vision impairment. If they make a “poor choice,” simply take away their glasses for the rest of the day. (Give them their glasses tomorrow morning with a smile and friendly reminder that, “Today is a new day. I hope you choose to make better choices.”) I know research suggests glasses are helpful, but, really, they are a “privilege” and must be earned, right?

• And you know that kid who is easily distractible (and distracting)? The one who we let wear headphones while listening to his iPod. It seems to help him concentrate and he is certainly less bothersome to his classmates. Well, if he makes a “poor choice,” take away the iPod and headphones for a day. He may not learn as much and he may interfere with the learning of others, but, hey, he has to learn that “privileges” are earned by compliance. 

I just celebrated my birthday. I’m 61. I’ve been in education for nearly 40 years. I don’t know how much more insanity I can tolerate. I’m not overly religious, but I’m praying for strength as I continue to fight the madness.

Final thought: I don’t mean to be critical of the teacher. The whole “privilege” paragraph was written by the reporter. It’s possible she included it as a “favor” to the teacher so readers of The Indianapolis Star would perceive the teacher positively, as a no-nonsense adult who makes kids earn their “privileges” and not some hippie-type liberal who brings innovative strategies into the classroom simply because they are good for kids.

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As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

Bob Sullo

PO Box 1336

Sandwich, MA 02563

bob@internalmotivation.net

www.internalmotivation.net

www.twitter.com/bobsullo

For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net

Goals: The Importance of Attainable Wants

In “Quality World Pictures: The Importance of Flexibility,” I discussed what can happen when quality world pictures are too rigidly defined. But what about students who have goals that are both laudable and beyond their current capacity? You may hear this referred to an the “unrealistic want.” I try to avoid that term because I am reluctant to identify another person’s want as “unrealistic.” I can’t count the number of times students (and other human beings) experienced success even though I might have identified their goal as “unrealistic.” That’s the power of internal motivation. When people are adequately motivated, they frequently amaze us with their success.

Still, what’s a teacher to do when faced with  students who create grandiose goals that have little chance of being achieved, at least in the immediate future? Certainly, we don’t want to discourage student enthusiasm. At the same time, encouraging students when we see a high likelihood of failure seems both cruel and unprofessional.

It’s not unusual for students to create lofty goals and make promises they are unlikely to keep, like “I’ll never miss another homework assignment for the rest of the year,” even though this same student has turned in less than 20% of the assignments so far! This is particularly common with students who are struggling. Why? Remember that we are always motivated by what we want at that moment. A struggling student working with a caring teacher is driven to please them and connect with them. They are primarily interested in figuring out what they can say and do that will help them connect positively with their teacher at that moment. Even if what they say represents something beyond their capacity, that’s a problem for another day. Right now, they are driven to connect with their teacher so they tell them they will do everything possible to magically morph into an ideal student.

Here’s the rub: teachers listening to a student promise to complete all assignments, do their best, achieve excellence, etc are hearing something that matches their quality world picture. It’s only logical for teachers to encourage and support the student because it represents what the teacher wants.

After this momentary feel-good moment, reality sets in and teachers are all too familiar with students who fail to live up to the promises they made. Contrary to popular belief, this is usually not a case of a student “playing you” or being manipulative. It is related to one of the needs that drive all people: the need for competence. Students who struggle and then make promises that are nearly impossible to keep feel overwhelmed and miserable. Rather than facing their pain directly, many defend themselves by abdicating responsibility. Put simply, it’s less painful to be thought of as a lazy, irresponsible student than to be perceived as incompetent. How often have you heard struggling students defend themselves with comments like, “This is stupid. I could do it if I wanted to. It’s just lame.”

To break this cycle, teachers can help kids set realistic, attainable goals and make reasonable plans that have a good chance of being successful. When kids come to you with grandiose plans, you don’t have to shoot them down, but you can ratchet things down a notch by identifying an interim goal that gets them moving in a positive direction rather than repeating the cycle of failure they have already mastered.

We are driven by what we want at that moment. When a student creates a goal and plan that you think is doomed to failure, remember that they are driven to connect with you, to please you, to be OK with you. Help them realize that they can attain what they want by simply moving in a positive direction, creating realistic goals, and developing reasonable plans. This helps them gradually (but effectively) transition from a failure identity to a success identity. Over time, they will develop the capacity to satisfy their need to connect as well as their need for competence by experiencing more academic success.

Goals. Quality World pictures. We need them. But it’s crucial that we create attainable goals to sustain the motivation necessary to achieve lasting success.

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As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

Bob Sullo

PO Box 1336

Sandwich, MA 02563

bob@internalmotivation.net

www.internalmotivation.net

www.twitter.com/bobsullo

For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net

Standing Up to Bullying: Refusing to be a “Victim”

Note: The issue of bullying is serious and multi-faceted. I am in no way suggesting that we don’t intervene. I am in no way suggesting that we “blame the victim” and withhold necessary support. My goal in wring this piece is simply to make sure that our attempts to help don’t result in exacerbating an already horrendous problem.

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A teacher in Florida wrote and asked me to address the issue of bullying, specifically asking how we can help kids stand up to bullies. First, I encourage you to read “Getting at the Roots of Bullying,” an article I wrote for the Virginia Journal of Education a couple of years ago.

Those of you familiar with my work know that I’m particularly interested in language because I believe the words we use contribute to the reality we create, something I discussed in “Watch Your Language!”

So how does our use of language relate to bullying? How does our language impact kids who have been victimized? When exploring the dynamics of bullying, we typically read about three main roles: the bully, the victim, and the bystander (or “egger.”) While I appreciate that labels can help us communicate, the use of labels frightens me and can lead to a host of unexpected problems.

Look at what happens when we label a child as a “victim.” We begin to interact with the child with the label of “victim” in mind, nonconsciously treating them in ways we consider appropriate to use with a “victim.” It doesn’t take long for the child to perceive himself/herself as a “victim,” internalizing the limitations that label brings.

I don’t want kids who have been victimized to internalize the experience and become “victims.” In other circumstances, we separate the child from the behavior. A child may choose to act badly, but that doesn’t make them a “bad kid;” a child may do poorly on a test, but that doesn’t make them a “poor student;” a child may lie or steal or take drugs; that doesn’t make them a “liar,” or a “thief,” or a “druggie.”

Noted developmental psychologist Erik Erikson emphasized the importance of avoiding labels because children often subsequently behave in ways that fulfill the label in an effort to be on the fast track of identity formation, the central developmental task of adolescence. It’s far better to separate the behavior from the child.

The same applies when dealing with children who have been victimized. Even if our intention is designed to help and protect, when we label the child a “victim,” we unintentionally help them become one. Instead, support the child without using a potentially damaging label. Affirm that they have been victimized - things do happen to us but they don’t have to define us. - but let them retain their dignity by refraining from identifying them as victims. One way to stand up to bullies is to refuse the label of victim.

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As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

Bob Sullo

PO Box 1336

Sandwich, MA 02563

bob@internalmotivation.net

www.internalmotivation.net

www.twitter.com/bobsullo

For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net

The New American Dream: Promising Children As Much Education “As They Can Afford”

When writing about internal control psychology/choice theory, I try to avoid politics as much as possible. Internal control psychology is neither “liberal” nor “conservative.” It’s neither Democrat nor Republican. I practice and teach internal control psychology because it accurately describes human motivation and behavior. It transcends culture and politics.

Despite my usual reluctance to enter the political fray, however, as an advocate of public education I have decided to share the following:

Speaking at a campaign stop in Virginia on June 27, presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney said the following:

“I think this is a land of opportunity for every single person….And I want to make sure that we keep America a place of opportunity, where everyone has a fair shot. They get as much education as they can afford.”

If you suspect I might have made that up, check out the video yourself and fast forward to the nine-minute mark.

“They get as much education as they can afford.” What a chilling comment. I may have given up some of my youthful idealism, but I still remember growing up with the belief that “anyone can grow up to be president.” The key, we were told, was to study hard, get a good education. Opportunity was there if we worked hard. Education was the great equalizer.

A legitimate democracy and meritocracy only exists when every citizen has equal access to opportunity. I have always believed that access to excellent education is an indispensable component of that equation. According to Mitt Romney, however, children only deserve to get “as much education as they can afford.”

Oops. Guess I was wrong.

A strong public education is a cornerstone of democracy. The great American experiment may be drawing to a close if we decide to elect Mitt Romney as out next president. 

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As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

Bob Sullo

PO Box 1336

Sandwich, MA 02563

bob@internalmotivation.net

www.internalmotivation.net

www.twitter.com/bobsullo

For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net 

Quality World Pictures: The Importance of Flexibility

In “Looking To The Future: A Strategy for Parents,”  I suggested parents ask themselves what they want for their kids when they are 25. If you are familiar with internal control psychology (choice theory), you know that we are internally motivated by what we want, what choice theory calls the quality world picture. To parent effectively – or to be successful in any other pursuit – it’s essential to have a clear quality world picture of what you want. There are times, however, when having a want that is too specific is counterproductive and leads to unnecessary misery. Let me explain.

Imagine you are a parent. If you have a quality world picture that your children are “happy, successful, and responsible,” there are multiple paths your children can follow that fall within those broad parameters. Having broadly defined goals for your kids allows them ample freedom and lets you feel a sense of satisfaction no matter what they choose to do as long as it is responsible and allows them to be happy and successful.

On the other hand, suppose you have a much more specific dream for your kids: you want them to become highly paid professionals. If one of them chooses to become a carpenter, or an artist, or a member of the clergy, you will be disappointed as long as you cling to your highly defined picture of success. (And, by the way, they will have to deal with being the child of a disappointed parent, not an easy role.) Imagine you want your child to become a cardiologist and, lo and behold, they become an internist! Because they choose not to live up to your highly defined picture, you have sentenced yourself to needless misery. (For those of you who think I’m engaging in hyperbole, the Summer Olympics are about to begin in a couple of days. I shutter to think how many families have been needlessly traumatized because a child failed to live up to a parental dream of being in the Olympics.)

For these reasons, it is often preferable to develop more loosely defined, fluid quality world pictures. As Dr. Glasser has mentioned on numerous occasions, what you put into your quality world is up to you. Parents, it’s only natural to want your kids to be successful. Give them a priceless gift by defining “successful” broadly enough that they can pursue their dreams and not feel as if they have to fulfill yours.

What I am talking about is not only true in parenting. It applies to other aspects of your life. About twenty years ago, one of my kids had a friend who father lost his job. He was a highly paid executive in a major corporation and he very much enjoyed living the life of a wealthy man. Because he had put aside some money, he was able to maintain his lavish lifestyle for some time while he looked for a new job. His quality world picture of a “good job” was so rigidly defined (including a prestigious title, a company with a reputation, and a salary commensurate with what he previously earned), he turned down several offers of work. All the while, he continued to spend extravagantly, even when his savings were depleted. Over time, he lost not only his money; he lost his wife and family. Because he was so consumed by a too specific quality world picture and was unable to make peace with a new reality, he nonconsciously chose misery and the destruction of his personal life.

Quality world pictures. They are a double-edge sword. We absolutely need them. They are the source of all motivation. But if we refuse to be flexible, if we refuse to accommodate reality, if we insist that everything be exactly as we want it to be, they can lead us down a path of endless misery.

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As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net 

Looking To The Future: A Strategy for Parents

An article published by the Huffington Post on July 2, entitled “In Support of the Whole Child,” looks at the direction of public education. One line in particular caught my attention: “What do we want our children to be like when they are 25?”

For years, I have used some variation of that question with parents, especially when they are having difficulty with their kids” “What do you want your child to be like when he/she is 25?” While staying in the present moment is generally prudent and helps us live a more intentional life, there are times when we can get trapped by immediate distress. Parents in the middle of a problem – regardless of how “big” or “real” it might be – with their kid, are understandably in a highly emotional state.

 Choice theory (internal control psychology) teaches us that behavior has four components (acting, thinking, feelings, physiology) and changing one component necessarily changes the others. Brain-based learning suggests that all behavior is “state dependent:” when we are in the “angry” state, we only have ready access to our angry behaviors; when we are in a “frustrated” state, we only have easy access to our frustrating behaviors, etc. As any parent who has had a crisis with their child knows all too well, it’s really hard to simply “choose to act calmly and wisely” when you are in the middle of it all. Fortunately, there is a solution.

 By bumping things into the future – asking yourself “What do I want my kid to be like when he/she is 25?” – you are choosing a new behavior, one less driven by the unproductive frustrating emotion of the present. Your shift in thinking brings an immediate change to your actions, feelings, and physiology. You are literally freed from the shackles of your immediate discomfort when you fast-forward your thinking. You aren’t locked into the realities of the present. Rather than dealing with your whining, belligerent, or insolent present-tense child, you are can image her/him as an adult. What kind of relationship do you want with this young adult of the future? What do you hope they will be like?

As your brain instantaneously and non-consciously answers these questions and creates your hypothetical child of the future, ask yourself this question: “If this is what I want for my child when she/he is 25, what is the most effective thing I can do right now to help this dream become a reality?” When you return to the present tense, you’ll find you’ll be less bound by your frustration and more able to generate more effective behaviors to manage the current crisis.

When we are stuck in the “now,” we frequently rely on behaviors driven by the frustration of the moment. By venturing –even for just a few moments – into the future, you access the brain’s creative system and are unencumbered by your immediate concerns. By the way, I have used the same process with troubled adolescents, asking them, “What kind of relationship do you want to have with your parents when you are 25? Do you want to see them o the holidays? Talk to them on birthdays?” Even the most angry, frustrated, troubled adolescent generally acknowledges that he/she wants a better relationship with their parents when they get older. But locked in the anger of the present, they have little ability to access behaviors that will get them closer to what they want. Helping them imagine a more positive future is a first step in the process.

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 As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

Parenting 101: Everyone is Doing the Best They Can

Have you ever been frustrated by the behavior of your kids? Ever find yourself saying/doing just the "wrong" thing?

You'll find some helpful suggestions in my article "Parenting 101: Everyone is Doing the Best They can."