In
“Looking To The Future: A Strategy for Parents,” I
suggested parents ask themselves what they want for their kids when they are
25. If you are familiar with internal control psychology (choice theory), you
know that we are internally motivated by what we want, what choice theory calls
the quality world picture. To parent effectively – or to be successful in any
other pursuit – it’s essential to have a clear quality world picture of what
you want. There are times, however, when having a want that is too specific is
counterproductive and leads to unnecessary misery. Let me explain.
Imagine you are a parent. If you have a quality world
picture that your children are “happy, successful, and responsible,” there are
multiple paths your children can follow that fall within those broad
parameters. Having broadly defined goals for your kids allows them ample
freedom and lets you feel a sense of satisfaction no matter what they choose to
do as long as it is responsible and allows them to be happy and successful.
On the other hand, suppose you have a much more specific
dream for your kids: you want them to become highly paid professionals. If one
of them chooses to become a carpenter, or an artist, or a member of the clergy,
you will be disappointed as long as you cling to your highly defined picture of
success. (And, by the way, they will have to deal with being the child of a
disappointed parent, not an easy role.) Imagine you want your child to become a
cardiologist and, lo and behold, they become an internist! Because they choose
not to live up to your highly defined picture, you have sentenced yourself to
needless misery. (For those of you who think I’m engaging in hyperbole, the
Summer Olympics are about to begin in a couple of days. I shutter to think how
many families have been needlessly traumatized because a child failed to live
up to a parental dream of being in the Olympics.)
For these reasons, it is often preferable to develop more
loosely defined, fluid quality world pictures. As Dr. Glasser has mentioned on
numerous occasions, what you put into your quality world is up to you. Parents,
it’s only natural to want your kids to be successful. Give them a priceless
gift by defining “successful” broadly enough that they can pursue their dreams and not feel as if they have to fulfill yours.
What I am talking about is not only true in parenting. It
applies to other aspects of your life. About twenty years ago, one of my kids
had a friend who father lost his job. He was a highly paid executive in a major
corporation and he very much enjoyed living the life of a wealthy man. Because
he had put aside some money, he was able to maintain his lavish lifestyle for
some time while he looked for a new job. His quality world picture of a “good
job” was so rigidly defined (including a prestigious title, a company with a
reputation, and a salary commensurate with what he previously earned), he
turned down several offers of work. All the while, he continued to spend
extravagantly, even when his savings were depleted. Over time, he lost not only
his money; he lost his wife and family. Because he was so consumed by a too
specific quality world picture and was unable to make peace with a new reality,
he nonconsciously chose misery and the destruction of his personal life.
Quality world pictures. They are a double-edge sword. We
absolutely need them. They are the source of all motivation. But if we refuse
to be flexible, if we refuse to accommodate reality, if we insist that
everything be exactly as we want it to be, they can lead us down a path of
endless misery.
***
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For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a
keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit
www.internalmotivation.net
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