I frequently say that we live in an “external control
psychology” world and that we can’t escape from the incessant reward/punishment
mindset. Sometimes I think I’m engaging in hyperbole. Then I have moments like
the following:
I had just finished a hike in Scottsdale, Arizona and
was at the top of Bell Pass in the McDowell Mountains. I was alone. It was
peaceful. A few minutes later, two young women made it to the top (with
considerably less huffing and puffing than me, I must admit) and were engaged
in an animated conversation. “How can I motivate my son to join Boy Scouts?”
one asked her friend.
As they chatted about the various rewards she could
offer him to get him to join the Boy Scouts, I held my tongue, simultaneously
trying to block out everything they said while wanting to soak in every word.
It appeared as if these were good young mothers who only wanted the best for
their kids. The “problem” from my perspective sprung from that very first
question: “How do I motivate my son…???”
Like most parents, they began from the position that
motivation is external, something you “do” to another. But motivation is
internal, fueled by the five basic needs woven into our genes, including the
need for freedom/autonomy. Precisely because of our drive to be self-governing,
efforts to control us are often poorly received - even well intentioned
attempts by loving parents to “motivate” us to do something they think will add
quality to our lives.
Instead of trying to motivate a child to do something
- a form of external control, even if it’s benign control – why not approach
things from the perspective of internal motivation? Children are already
motivated. Why would a child want to engage in the activity? How might it be
need-satisfying? Why would a child be motivated to do this? How does it relate to her/his needs and quality
world?
Children often lack the knowledge to understand why
joining Scouts (or engaging in any other activity) would enhance their lives.
But they don’t need you to “motivate” them. Instead, provide them with
additional knowledge, add to their knowledge filter, and give them the
opportunity to decide for themselves if Scouting (or any other activity) would
be an enjoyable, need-satisfying experience.
Our behavior as parents emanates from the questions we
ask ourselves. “How can I motivate my son to join Boy Scouts?” necessarily
takes us down the external control pathway that invites conflict. “What
information can I share with my son to help him appreciate that joining Boy
Scouts would be a need-satisfying experience for him?” brings us down an
entirely different road, one that respects the fact that motivation is internal
and that everyone –even young children – are driven in part by a need to be
autonomous.
***
As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please
send the link to your friends. Thanks.
Bob Sullo
PO Box 1336
Sandwich, MA 02563
For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a
keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit
www.internalmotivation.net
