"My Daughter Can Be A Bit Of A Bully:" Part 2

Here are some additional thoughts after I received the following question from a parent.

My daughter can be a bit of a bully at times. When she plays games with friends if she doesn't get her way, she gets real bossy. I can tell from her friends' faces that this really annoys them. I can't get my daughter to change her behavior and want to help her before she loses these friends. Suggestions?

When your child is behaving in an unacceptable way – even doing something as distasteful as bossing or bullying  - it helps to remember that everybody is doing the best they can at that moment to meet their needs. It may be difficult to believe, but your child doesn’t know a better way to get what they want. As clumsy, awkward, or inappropriate as they may be, what you see represents their best shot at that moment. Part of our job as parents is to help our kids develop better, more elegant, responsible ways to meet their needs. Rather than choosing to be upset and frustrated by our children’s unwanted behavior, we can say to ourselves, “This is the best they can do right now. They don’t know any better. It’s not OK and I won’t sanction this behavior. My job as a parent is to help my kids develop the resources to meet their needs responsibly.” When parents remind themselves that their kids are works in progress - not just “being bad” -  they are better able to teach and guide them, even when kids display inappropriate – but very typical – behavior.

It would be nice if our kids always behaved exactly as we’d like, but that’s not the way it works. How parents choose to deal with the expected bumps along the way will play a significant role in how things play out. When your children struggles, use it as an opportunity to teach them a better way to get what they want. That’s one essential quality of an effective parent. 

Note: This was originally published by Funderstanding. Their newsletter is free and includes interesting, useful ideas for both educators and parents. I encourage you to subscribe.

As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

Bob Sullo

bob@internalmotivation.net

www.internalmotivation.net

www.twitter.com/bobsullo

For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net

Don't forget to get your copy of the revised edition of The Inspiring Teacher: Making A Positive Difference In Students' Lives.

"My Daughter Can Be A Bit Of A Bully. Any Suggestions?"

A parent recently sent me the following: "My daughter can be a bit of a bully at times. When she plays games with friends if she doesn't get her way, she gets real bossy. I can tell from her friends' faces that this really annoys them. I can't get my daughter to change her behavior and want to help her before she loses these friends. Suggestions?"

Parents who observe their kids being bossy or bullying understandably become frustrated. “There’s absolutely no reason for them to behave like that!” they’ll say to me. My first reminder to parents is that all behavior – even unattractive behavior like bossing and bullying – is purposeful. While it’s not the behavior you want to see from your child, they are acting that way for a reason. Typically it’s connected to the universal need for power or freedom. Kids who boss or bully often gain a measure of power and control, at least temporarily. If you’re faced with this situation, determine some other, more appropriate ways your child can meet the needs for power and freedom. For example, yet can let them decide which one of three activities you’ll do together as a family this weekend. Or which one of three meals you’ll have for dinner. Or whether to do their homework before dinner or after dinner. If you’re really adventurous, you might even let them control the clicker when you watch television together! What’s important is that your child feels that sometimes they get to be the boss. When kids meet their needs for power and freedom by doing things that you sanction, they’ll be less driven to satisfy those needs through inappropriate behaviors like bossing and bullying. Just as kids who are given one or two cookies after dinner are less likely to gorge themselves on the whole box when no one is looking, kids who regularly satisfy the needs for power and freedom responsibly and respectfully are less likely to resort to bossing and bullying.

Note: This was originally published by Funderstanding. Their newsletter is free and includes interesting, useful ideas for both educators and parents. I encourage you to subscribe.

As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

Bob Sullo

bob@internalmotivation.net

www.internalmotivation.net

www.twitter.com/bobsullo

For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net

Don't forget to get your copy of the revised edition of The Inspiring Teacher: Making A Positive Difference In Students' Lives.

"What's So Wrong With Rewards?"

I recently received the following question: "I've read enough about Choice Theory to know I shouldn't use rewards in my home or classroom. But I've used them and they really seem to work. What’s so wrong with rewards?"

Here's what I answered: Rewards promote compliance, not responsibility. Adults like to talk about kids and their behavior, but let’s forget about the kids for a moment and consider what we want as parents and teachers. Rewards may entice kids into compliance, but there’s no evidence that they help kids internalize values and  promote self-control.  Consider these words from EJ Sobo, a professor at San Diego State University: “Children cultivated toward dependence on external praise through constant positive stroking are at risk for growing into poorly-adjusted adults who must always look to others for approval. They never have a chance to develop their own internal resources.” If you’re like me, you want kids to develop responsibility and be self-directed. Providing external rewards only distance us from what we say we want as parents and teachers.

If you’re satisfied with a quick fix and enjoy living from mini-crisis to mini-crisis, then rewards will work just fine. On the other hand, if you want to promote responsibility and self-control, it’s time to abandon the quick fix offered by rewards. Yes, it will take more time. It will force you to move from autopilot to genuinely engaging with kids. But if you have the will to stick with it, you’ll be a more effective and satisfied parent or teacher.

Note: This was originally published by Funderstanding. Their newsletter is free and includes interesting, useful ideas for both educators and parents. I encourage you to subscribe.

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As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

Bob Sullo

bob@internalmotivation.net

www.internalmotivation.net

www.twitter.com/bobsullo

For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net

Don't forget to get your copy of the revised edition of The Inspiring Teacher: Making A Positive Difference In Students' Lives.

"Homework Is A Constant Fight. What Can I Do Better?"

A parent from New Jersey recently asked, "Bob, homework is a constant fight with me and my 12-year old. She spends more time complaining and screaming than doing the homework. I keep telling her she needs good grades and she should be doing better. What can I do better?"

Here's what I answered: "First, rest assured that your story is typical. Homework struggles are the norm, especially when kids approach adolescence. More than anything, they want to assert their independence and fiercely resist control, even if they intuitively understand it’s “for their own good.” Rather than telling your daughter she needs good grades, needs to do better, etc - all logical comments, by the way – I suggest asking her what she wants for herself. What kind of future does she want? Does she want to be a success? Will doing well in school help her get what she wants? Will completing homework – even if it’s tedious and boring – help her achieve her goals? Don’t be surprised if she rolls her eyes and says, “Whatever,” boredom punctuating her terse comment. That’s typical. Resist the temptation to lecture her about her disrespectful attitude, a new offense compounding her failure to approach homework with joy, enthusiasm, and a song in her heart!

"Despite the rolled eyes and dismissive “whatever,” kids want to be successful. By inviting your daughter to explore how doing homework allows her to more easily get what she wants, you minimize the power struggle, arguing, and stress you are both experiencing. Most importantly, make sure to maintain a positive relationship with your daughter."

Note: This was originally published by Funderstanding. The newsletter is free and includes interesting, useful ideas for both educators and parents. I encourage you to subscribe.

***

As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

Bob Sullo

bob@internalmotivation.net

www.internalmotivation.net

www.twitter.com/bobsullo

For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net

Don't forget to get your copy of the revised edition of The Inspiring Teacher: Making A Positive Difference In Students' Lives.

Walking the Talk: The Inspiring Teacher FREE from May 21-23!

The Inspiring Teacher is available for FREE from May 21-23. No catch. No gimmicks. Not a sample chapter. The complete book. For free. Not a loan. Yours to keep. For free.

After you read and download your free copy, I’d appreciate it if you’d write a review and post it on Amazon. It doesn’t need to be long. If it’s an honest, heartfelt endorsement, it will be much appreciated. Of course, you don’t need to write a review. You still get the book. No strings. No “if…then.” But reviews lead to more exposure and help get these ideas to a wider audience.

I wrote the e-book version of The Inspiring Teacher because I wanted to reach as wide an audience as possible. An electronic format made it easy to keep costs low. I asked my publisher, Funderstanding, to offer the book at a reasonable price. Of course, I want to get a huge royalty check, but my primary objective is to get the book into the hands of as many educators and parents as possible.

A few weeks ago, Eric Cohen, the “principal” of Funderstanding asked me if I was serious about getting the book out to as many as possible – even if it meant making less money.

“What are suggesting?” I asked.

“Why don’t we just give the book away,” he answered.

“You mean like an excerpt? Some kind of teaser?” I asked.

“No. I mean let’s just give it away,” Eric answered in his usual unflappable way, seemingly oblivious to the fact that what he was suggesting seemed extreme.

“ But…you’re a businessman. How can you turn a profit if we just give it away?”

“That’s right,” Eric said. “I am a businessman. You say you want to help lead the world with Choice Theory. So let’s make it easy for everyone to learn about it. In this case, ‘easy’ means ‘free.’ And, as for profit, I’m not worried. We’ve put together a quality product. These ideas make sense. We just need to get it out there. Giving it away will only increase awareness of Choice Theory and all the things you believe in and write about. Let’s just concentrate on how to get the book in front of as many people as we can. The profit will follow. You just have to trust me.”

Thanks to Eric, I have been given an opportunity to get what I want: reaching as wide an audience as possible and informing more educators and parents about Choice Theory and other compatible concepts designed to make school a more satisfying experience for kids and adults.

I continually say that we are motivated from within and people don’t work just for money. By offering The Inspiring Teacher for free from May 21-23 I’m walking the talk.

I hope you’ll get your free copy during this promotional period and will share this with your friends and colleagues.

Together, we can make school a better place for kids, educators, and parents!

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For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net

Don't forget to get your copy of the revised edition of The Inspiring Teacher: Making A Positive Difference In Students' Lives.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Glasser!

Dr. William Glasser celebrates his 88th birthday on May 11. One of the most prominent figures in psychology, Dr. Glasser has contributed tremendously to the fields of both mental health and education. His work has been the single greatest factor in my professional growth and development since I began my Choice Theory journey more than 25 years ago.

It is often said that timing is everything. The timing could not have been better for me when I enrolled in my Basic Intensive Training in 1986. I had been a psychologist for a few years and had grown frustrated with external control psychology. Sometimes it seemed to work. Other times….not so well. Plus, it didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to “shape” kids. I didn’t believe my life could be reduced to a series of reactions to external forces. I was looking for another way – a better, more accurate way – to understand behavior and motivation.

Control Theory: A New Explanation of How We Control Our Lives was new. The Institute for Reality Therapy was growing rapidly. And I was fortunate enough to begin my training with three gifted instructors who remain closely associated with the WGI today: Al Katz, Nancy Buck, and David Moran. With their expert guidance and a newly articulated theory of behavior and motivation, I was off and running.

I never looked back.

My association with the WGI and Dr. Glasser’s ideas have brought me into contact with people and places I had never imagined. I have formed lasting friendships and professional relationships that were nurtured by the WGI and Choice Theory. As I have deepened my knowledge and explored Choice Theory through teaching and writing, Dr. Glasser’s support remains unwavering.

To put it as succinctly as possible, I am a better professional as well as a better husband, father, brother, and friend because of what I have learned from Dr. Glasser and Choice Theory.

As he celebrates his 88^th birthday, I want to say “Thank You” to Dr. Glasser for all he has done for the fields of mental health and education and for all he has meant to me.

“Feeling Frustrated? Good For You!”

It’s not uncommon for people to complain about feeling frustrated. After all, it’s frustrating! But frustration can actually be a good thing.

(Aside: Those of you well acquainted with Choice Theory know that Dr. Glasser would probably encourage us to say we are “frustrating” or “choosing to frustrate” rather than saying we are “feeling frustrated.” That’s to remind us that all behavior - even uncomfortable behavior like “choosing to be frustrated” - is a choice. We may be most aware of the feeling component (“feeling frustrated”), but “choosing to be frustrated” includes acting, thinking, and physiological components as well. Still, since most people don’t engage in “CT-Speak” they are more likely to say they are “feeling frustrated.”)

Humans are driven to experience a match between their quality world pictures – how they want the world to be at that moment – and their perception of the world at that moment. Feeling frustrated is the perceptible mismatch between what we want and what we are getting and motivates us to act. If we weren’t aware of the mismatch – if we weren’t “feeling frustrated” – there would be no internal signal motivating us to change.

Even though none of us likes feeling frustrated, the discomfort serves us well, motivating us to change our behavior to get more of what we want.

What are the implications for the classroom? To start with, an all-nurturing environment, one completely free of stress and struggle is counterproductive. When there is no perceived discrepancy between what students want and what they are getting, there is no frustration, no internal distress signal, and no reason to change their behavior. The inevitable result is a failure to grow and learn.

The most effective classroom environment is one where the mismatch between what students want and what they have is sufficient to motivate them but not so great as to overwhelm them. The best learning environments are ones where learners want more than they have while remaining confident they can experience success with reasonable effort. I want students thinking to themselves, “If I work hard I will succeed and in order to succeed I must work hard.”   That’s an environment that promotes student growth and achievement.

Frustration: it may be uncomfortable, but it is a helpful signal that initiates change.

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As always, if you enjoyed this and found it useful, please send the link to your friends. Thanks.

Bob Sullo

bob@internalmotivation.net

www.internalmotivation.net

www.twitter.com/bobsullo

For information about books by Bob Sullo and to schedule a keynote, workshop, or series for your school, agency, or parent group visit www.internalmotivation.net

Don't forget to get your copy of the revised edition of The Inspiring Teacher: Making A Positive Difference In Students' Lives.